A lot has happened to me since the last time that I posted. A lot that has helped me grow as a person. I've been re-evaluating my current path in life and I have come to some conclusions. Firstly, that I don't really believe in the Capitalist system anymore. I happened to pick up some Anarchist literature in the bookstore and my eyes have been opened such that I shall slumber no more...
Secondly, what I'm studying isn't who I want to be. People, when they first meet me, and ask me what I'm studying, are usually surprised to find out that I'm studying Finance. They all seem to assume that I'm studying a BA. It seems that my unconscious had already realized what I know now: that a BCom is no longer for me.
I told my parents about this (or rather, my mom, who then, against my request, told my dad - but it worked out OK, so I don't care), and they are OK with my sentiment. I'm to finish my current degree (I'm in my final year, after all), and then I can study what I want to. Which is Philosophy. I am very grateful that my parents are able and willing to support me. I didn't dare hope that I would have gotten a second chance.
Also, I believe that I have come to realize that some of the things I used to hold dear in life are no longer worth so much to me, and other so much more.
I believe now that Life is an experience of Awareness, and thus to enjoy life to the fullest, you should experience as much as possible (
Are you experienced?). In order to experience, we must interact and engage with the world around us. To do that means to be curious (also a sign of intelligence in creatures), and that means to question (Douglas Adams, amongst many other artists who use lies to tell the truth, already told us that it is the Question that matters most, and that the answer - 42 - is irrelevant).
I have rediscovered a certain passion for life that I feel I lost in puberty. A certain naive innocence that will let me experience Life more fully.
And we are at our happiest when we share our experiences in goodwill. Other people's experiences can enrich mine, through conversation, print, film, art, etc. Thus people matter to me more than ever, and I have a new appreciation for friendship, and the all connections one is able to make in life.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel happier for it. Thank you for listening - it really does mean a lot to me.
6 comments:
Hey man.
I’m entirely aware that this is probably the most random thing you’ll ever get. I’m just curious to know what brought about your change in mindset. I, too, find myself in the midst of a debate between choosing a life of endless interactions with anally retentive businessmen and fiddling with incredibly boring statistics and figures in the hopes that I will ultimately become incredibly wealthy (studying a BCom), or an impoverished but fulfilling existence (art, journalism, working for some humanitarian campaign, medicine… I could fill out an entire page). I find myself substantially more in favour of the latter, especially since I had an experience eerily similar to your own. I simply happened meet someone that embodied everything I wanted to be. And it turned my life around. The cherry on top all the shit in my life that has recently accumulated.
Felt kind of surreal and supernatural…
So I ask, at the risk of appearing utterly bonkers, what changed your mind?
Word Panda,
From personal experience, i can say that finding out about yourself is a great discovery, but it is a discovery that is often preceeded by a dark and uncertain period. To emerge out of that period stronger than ever, demonstrates your courage. I give you many props for your courage - for not many people have the will to stand up for who they are and what they believe in.
Big up.
El Hermo
Thanks for the kind words guys.
The change is basically the resolving of several rensions within me.
The first being that I didn't get the same satisfaction from my degree as I used to.
I've started to value money and things less and less, and people more and more (which is weird for me). It's not easy sometimes and I'm still adjusting to my new perceptions about life, still I find myself grasping for old comforts that lead nowehere.
I've also been reading a lot of philosophy, and some Buddhist literature too. This has changed the way I think about many things, but a lot of it also resonates with me, and indeed is familiar because I have already realised some of their wisdom myself.
My dissatisfaction with my life was pretty much a mystery for me. Until i started to question why I was not happy. Really question. Look into my deepest desires and fears, so I could see how I was fooling myself into believing that stability is what I needed.
Which, of course, was totally wrong. Change is what I needed, and this too, happened. All that really remained was for me to realise it.
Now, here follow some words of caution. Do not do what I did unless you're pretty sure of what you're doing, and what you're trying to achieve.
Basically, LSD was designed to treat people psychologically, and many people feel changed after a trip. So it was with me, but it is not like the chemical taught me something, it only revealed to me what I already knew by stripping the layers of my self away that needed to be shed.
I wish that everyone could have such an experience. If you ever try this, remember that set and setting can have a profound effect on your experience. I was in a comfortable place (at least to me) and thus I felt comfortable about introspection.
This is when I saw myself with my own Eye of truth, and I was naked before it. It is very scary. When you really listen to yourself (as you do in such a state), you can truly judge yourself, because you are the only person who knows all of you, all your toughts and pains and desires. When you see yourself like this, it is frightening because you are scared of what you may find.
For me, I saw myself and looked without reservation, and it was an extremely liberating feeling. I worry less now about things which don't matter. I am more fully in the present and appreciate each moment and each person and each connection I make that much more.
After that experience had cleansed me of my fears and emotional barriers, I started to think about what I enjoy, and what interests me, challenges me, and agrees with me. And that is Philosophy, among others.
I'm not saying that you should take Acid. For me, it merely facilitated and accelerated certain emotional changes within me. It was a trigger, not a cause.
Maybe that explains how I decided what I want and how I've changed.
drugs are bad, mmkay.
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