Not studying Philosophy... yet

I had a talk with my parents tonight.

We are so different. I sometimes think that the reason we keep drifting further apart is because I'm afraid of confrontation. I don't talk to them because I want to keep a certain peace. Oh, I talk to my parents like normal people. There is just not that much connection there anymore. We don't talk much anymore. Not about what matters. The words we speak to each other are like oil and water. Try to mix them and you get a mess. I'm almost a stranger in this home. It is partly my own doing, of course.

During my puberty, a large part of it, our family's cashflows were difficult. My dad's solution to this was to work harder. He became a workaholic. He had very little influence in my life unless it was to solidify his will. My mom and my dad grew further apart because of the financial difficulties. My mom has always been privileged and to struggle to maintain this lifestyle is just about the worst nightmare she could imagine. She did it when my parents were young, just married. Maybe once was enough. Maybe the money situation was worse than I imagined - I don't know, my parents were distant from me. They wouldn't tell me shit except that it was bad and we had to be careful with spending money. But they did convey this very intensly. Often I feel we were penny wise and pound foolish. No connection. Numb. My mother turned to alcohol. Now things are better, but the damage has been done.

I'm not writing all of this down so you'll feel sorry for me, but rather so you understand why me and my parents are so different. Growing up like this, and also with few friends or people I could connect to, it was lonely. As I grew older I made more and more lasting connections with people, maybe because I opened up, or because people are generally a bit more accepting of each other when they are older.

However, during this time I believe that the things I came to value in life (what creates my happiness) are fundamentally very different from those of my parents (possibly because of my emotional isolation from them). This is a major thing for me. Because we have differing ideas about what can make you happy in this life, we view almost every aspect of life differently. My parent's experiences are very much part of my values. I've learnt that material things can't make you happy, they are intrinsically empty of any happiness, except of that which we thinly veil it with in our ignorance. That is not to say that material things are not important. They are. Every single thing is a tool that can be used in some way. But they are not ends unto themselves.

My parents are loving parents. They try their best and have done a damn good job and I don't really blame them for their ignorance. It would achieve very little. Everything they do for me and have done for me is done with the best intentions. And for this I love and respect them. But I don't feel close to them. However they will do what they think is best for me, and maybe I should be satisfied with that, and have no cause for complaint. Unfortunately for me, their ideas of what I need and what will make me happy are different from mine. Usually they let me do my own thing (my independence from them has solidified over the years), but they can put their feet down. And when they do they will not try to understand me. They will listen to what I have to say (eventually), but it always has little bearing on the outcome. They comfort me with words and then expect those to cushion their actions. It's almost as if they feel like they have to let me have my say, and then they can explain why it's wrong and it's not going to happen, as if they indulge me. Their seems to be a reluctance to try and empathise, and maybe understand what it is like for me. A decision made by them for me quickly lies in the past for them. For me, it becomes my reality, my everyday experiences and confines. My unhappiness with their decision is much more direct and enduring than their unhappiness with my decision would have been. Every time that they tell me to do something I don't want to do without truly trying to empathise, I instictively pull back more and the distance between us grows. They have always had high expectations of me (maybe not anymore now), and I feel like this pressure has served more to demotivate me than anything else. All I've really achieved is convinced my parents that I'm a quitter, that I never finish anything. Who can blame them? I never seem to finish things or do very well in them. Except of course those things that interest me. I have always easily achieved in those fields. I believe my failures are largely due to a lack of motivation. Alexander Berkman once said that what we call a lazy man is generally the right man in the wrong place.

All I need is something that resonates with me to get me motivated and satisfied.

I've tried to get them to see things my way and understand where I am coming from, in a general sense as well as with respect to specific issues, but every time I've been met with an unwillingness to change and a lot of emotional upheaval. It's simply not worth trying anymore.

I can recall numerous times during my life when I've done something different to what I would ordinarily have done, under pressure from my parents. I did those things half because I wanted to keep them happy by not making too big a thing out of it (if they don't budge), and half because of a sense of trust that maybe I was wrong. I was not. Many times I feel like I should have trusted my instincts, and stood up harder for what I thought was best for me. But everytime I try the house explodes. Whenever they have a serious talk with me, they sound like I don't know what I'm doing, and therefore they will impose their guidance upon me, whether I want it or not. Thus, I keep many thoughts, reservations and objections to myself during our conversations, because I fear they will cause further discord, and only discord. If my parents would empathise, maybe I would voice those thougts. Many times I wish I had. I keep thinking, "If only I could have made them see, convinced them, it would be different for me now."

A perfect example is when I started Accounting. We went to WITS and got some career counseling. One of the professions on the list was Actuary, which my dad first suggested and kept mentioning over time. Obviously I'm thinking by this stage that that is what he wants for me, because it would deliver to me in life all the things that my father values. I knew that it is not for me. So I suggested Accounting, which I considered only a step below it. I did it in a large part to please my father. Yes, I made the choice, but his initial pressure made me believe that that was the direction my father wanted for me. Out of past experience, when my dad wants something like that for me, I shut up and take it. Big mistake. As it turns out, they didn't actually think that Accounting was that good for me, and may have mentioned something to that effect at the time ("are you sure this is what you want to do?"), but it must have been very little, because I can't remember any. If I had spoken up maybe I would be in a different place. But I didn't because of our 'passionate' parent-child dynamic. Thus I blame being in the wrong degree, my current unhappiness all on my parents. That doesn't mean I don't understand. But I still blame them. It is because of them that I feel I can't talk to them. If they listened, I would talk more, and the more they would listen, presumably. But they don't listen, so I talk less, and so, in turn, they talk (and listen) less.

They can be very authoritarian when it comes to their view. I thrive on autonomy.

I keep hearing about what I have to do, and that what I want doesn't really matter and that the world is a hard place where everything is crap. My parents are materialists who have always stressed the importance of earning a lot of money, getting a 'good' job etc, etc. Always overworried about the future. They're so tense about this kind of thing, it's not hard to imagine how they can't empathise. They can't believe it is wise to think other than they do. My mom got a new BMW X3 and she was on cloud nine. I believe that a car is a tool like any other. My father was surprised to find out that I wouldn't want his gold ring when he dies, etc the list goes on. The only thing I would use a gold ring for would be to sell it. I'm perfectly able to remember my dad without it. All they have done is made me realise how their overworrying and sense of material attachment makes them and the people around them (that is me and my brother) miserable instead of happy. They are so concerned with the future that they have no time to enjoy the now. I don't want that. It is the last thing I want. This is the fundamental opposition of life views I was talking about earlier. But when I try to live my life more my way (and I don't mean small details), they resist firmly and I almost feel as if they are trying to imbue me with their values. They feel that to see the world different to them is unhealthy. It would be unhealthy for their happiness, not necessarily for mine. I can be satisfied with little material things if I have good friends and good health. And I would not be satisfied if I had many material things but not the others. I can feel this in the deepest core of my being. My parents will not appreciate this, maybe because I've withdrawn so much that they don't see it, or because they think it is foolish. Is it not the point of life to be happy? Then why stop me from doing what I think will make me happy?

That is not to say that I do not understand where they are coming from or appreciate their concern - however misguided I feel it may be. I just wish that on the important issues, they would be more willing to accomodate my view on things. Things like tonight only confirm our differences to me and it saddens me that I have to be economically and legally dependent on them. It would probably save a lot of heartache for all of us if I was not.